Why One Child Ends Up Being the “Black Sheep” of the Family

When working with families, it often seems that there is one child who doesn’t fit in and is labeled the “black sheep.” Sometimes, this child comes to therapy as the “reactive” or “problem child,” when in truth, they are very likely pointing out a dysfunction in the family system. They are presenting more symptoms contributing to relational issues with caregivers, making them feel less emotionally safe and detached. But this isn’t usually about favoritism or a child being “bad.” Often, aside from dynamics, it’s the result of a complex mix of psychological needs and individual temperament. Here’s a closer look at why it happens.

Projections of Expectations and Unconscious Needs

When using ABFT family therapy, I often work with parents from the ground up, emphasizing their attachment style and the emotional needs they did not receive in their own childhood. Parents often unconsciously project their own unmet needs or expectations onto their children. For example, if a parent struggled with self-expression, they might expect all their children to follow the same path they never could. When I notice rigid discipline or often authoritarian parenting styles, I ask the parents what type of issues push their buttons the most, so we can identify the unmet need and attachment wound. For example, if a parent gets reactive when their children are being disrespectful, we often track that as a child the parent felt undervalued by their family and there was no equal caregiving among the siblings. While the desire for family members to consider others’ feelings is a noble thing to instill, the expectation can become rigid and not consider the child’s development and maturity level. A child who doesn’t naturally align with these expectations may be seen as “difficult” or “rebellious.” In some cases, these projections are linked to the parents’ attachment wounds and deep emotional needs that were never fully healed.

Birth Order and Family Roles

Birth order can subtly influence how children are perceived and treated. Eldest children may be expected to be responsible and high-achieving, middle children may be seen as peacemakers, and youngest children as charming or spoiled. When a child doesn’t fit neatly into these roles, they can stand out. Sometimes, that difference becomes a source of tension. For example, if the eldest child has a disability, the expectation of being responsible and high-achieving can place a lot of pressure on them when it is important to consider their emotional and intellectual limits. Birth order can also create rivalry or jealousy amongst siblings, causing resentment and misunderstandings.

Temperament Mismatches

Every child has a unique temperament, such as patterns of behavior, emotional reactivity, and social style. A child who is highly sensitive, independent, or questioning may be mismatched with the family environment. This misalignment can make them appear “difficult” even though they are simply different. Parents who have neurodivergent children benefit from parenting skills not because they are bad parents, but the attention needed for neurodivergent children is different from what they grew up with. Aside from concluding their child is too sensitive, dependent, reactive, and/or needy, being sensitive to how they relate and what they need is a healthy starting point to ensuring a secure attachment. Negative emotions are often rejected and for parents with avoidant attachment styles, they become easily affected by their children having temper tantrums early on. Practicing attunement and not personalizing the emotional reactivity as bad parenting or threatening can help neutralize the experience.

Roles to Maintain the Family System

Families are like small ecosystems. Sometimes, maintaining stability requires certain roles: the responsible child, the peacemaker, or, unfortunately, the scapegoat. The black sheep often becomes the scapegoat, absorbing criticism or blame to keep the family system functioning. Ironically, this child may be the most perceptive, noticing family dysfunction that others ignore. Parents may project roles they have seen in their childhood onto their children. For example, if they grew up parentified, they will likely manage their children’s emotions and expect them to also grow up too early. They will also likely “fix” their children’s problems without considering their own autonomy and ability to problem-solve.

Scapegoating and Control

Having a scapegoat allows some parents to avoid adjusting their own behaviors or parenting style. It takes a lot of bravery for a parent to acknowledge where they likely missed the mark or have not met the needs of their child. All parents carry guilt for wanting the best for their children. More antagonistic family systems are less in touch with that guilt and prefer to avoid accessing the discomfort at all costs by always being right in their parenting. By projecting problems onto one child, parents maintain a sense of control over the family without confronting uncomfortable truths about their own actions or the family dynamic. These parents were often taught in their childhood that there had to be a villain, whether within or outside of the family system, to avoid accountability. Children often develop in adulthood a rigid mindset and have difficulty finding a gray area in problems or relating better with others, understanding the complexities and messiness in relationships.

Autonomy vs. Parental Expectation

Finally, children are often expected to be extensions of their parents. A child who asserts independence or questions family norms may be labeled the black sheep simply for refusing to be a mirror of parental desires. In asserting their autonomy, they challenge the family’s sense of order—and that can feel threatening to parents who rely on compliance for stability.

Being the black sheep is rarely about being “bad” or “less loved.” It’s usually the result of a mixture of projections, family roles, temperament, and the need for one child to take on the role of the outsider. Recognizing these patterns can help families create space for individuality and, over time, reduce the need for scapegoating.